What to do if someone is upset or distressed
Being with someone who is very upset happens to most people at some point. A common feeling is wanting to help but not being sure what to do for the best. This can leave you feeling awkward and anxious and it is not helpful to the person who is distressed.
This guide outlines simple, helpful steps for anyone who finds themselves with someone is acutely upset.
People become upset and distressed for a wide variety of reasons. Distress can result from a single event; such as witnessing or being involved in something traumatic, after receiving bad news, or it could result from a build-up of many events, causing overload and stress.
Whatever the cause of the distress, the principles of helping are broadly the same, no matter who you are helping.
What to do
Four simple steps.
Step 1: Observe and think about the situation
Ask yourself:
- What is happening?
- Are there any hazards?
- Who else is around and are they likely to be helpful, or otherwise?
Never put yourself at risk, so be aware and check out what is going on.
Step 2: Check yourself
Think about how you are feeling?
The aim is to be calm. If you are calm, you can help others. If you are not calm, you probably cannot help and may make the situation worse if you try.
A good way to calm yourself and help you feel more in control is to slow your breathing and think about being calm.
Step 3: Introduce yourself to the person who is distressed
If they do not already know you tell them your name and who you are, if relevant, and what your intentions are. For instance, "I'm Rob, I'm a Warden, and I'm here to help."
Then calmly say what you are going to do. This might be as simple as, “I’m going to sit next to you and we can talk about the best way to help.”
You can then say what you notice (see the first step). You might say that that they seem very upset, for instance.
Ask how you can help and tell them that you will listen.
They may not understand, especially at first. If they seem confused or unclear, keep what you say simple and remember that you might need to repeat yourself.
Ask what has happened, how they feel, what they need.
Listen very carefully and with your full attention.
Bear in mind that you may not be able to make the problem go away. What the person is dealing with might be very upsetting. What they want to happen to put things right might not be possible.
You might be seen as a threat, so keep at a reasonable distance. Do not crowd their space but show that you want to help.
Step 4: Listen carefully
Listening carefully is harder, and rarer, than a lot of people think. Give people time to talk. Give them space, too – don't crowd them. Make eye contact, but don't stare. Be physically still and relaxed, not agitated or using sudden body movements. When you talk, use a calm voice and do not interrupt.
It is best to avoid false reassurance, such as, "everything will be okay". After all, it might not be, also that is not how the person is feeling at that moment.
Offer non-verbal encouragement—"mmm" and so on. That can indicate that you are listening, and willing to hear what the person has to say.
A good way to show you have understood is to reflect back on what the person has said: “So, you’re very worried about that,” for instance.
All the time, watch how the person is responding. Listen and learn from what they tell you about how they are feeling. Adapt your style to suit them.
Accept their response – don’t argue or disagree with them.
Very often listening is one of the best ways to help someone regain control of their emotions.
What to avoid
Here are some basic mistakes to avoid:
Do not try to cheer people up and get them to look at the funny side. They might do that later, but your task is to respect how they're feeling now and help them deal with it, not suppress it.
Do not try to hug or physically comfort people, this could increase their sense awkwardness or distress and may lead to them feeling panic. Listening is a far more effective way to show you care.
Do not say things like, "I know just how you are feeling, just the same happened to me". This isn't empathy, it is more like boasting. It is very alienating and irritating. Can you imagine anyone thinking, "Oh, now I feel a lot better, knowing that someone else was distressed and upset in the past"? It is best avoided.
Do not rush the person. Always remember that a person who is upset is vulnerable and probably not in a state to move on quickly or make any important decisions.
Finally
You can help by providing options, thoughtfully and sensitively, that the person can consider. It is important though to remember to avoid telling someone what to do.
Show that you have been listening by suggesting choices that match what someone has been saying. If they haven't already said so, you can gently encourage by asking who and what might help them. Having contact with supportive others, such as family and friends, can be very helpful. You could also suggest where to get further assistance, which will depend on the circumstances. Options could include Student Services (within the University), a GP, or helplines; such as Nightline or the Samaritans.
If someone talks about or it seems that they may harm themselves or others never keep this to yourself, you should seek advice from the University by contacting Student Services (see the numbers below) or your line manager.
Do not forget your own needs. Speak to someone you trust afterwards about how you feel and what you did. Providing such support to someone who is distressed can create many familiar and unfamiliar emotions, such as sadness, anger, worry and fear.
Within the University students can seek help through Student Services. Contact the ASC, 79 North Street, email theasc@st-andrews.ac.uk or phone 01334 462020 (dial 2020 from a University phone). Staff can seek help through Occupational Health (email ehss@st-andrews.ac.uk or phone 01334 462752) or Human Resources (email humres@st-andrews.ac.uk or phone 01334 463096).